Holding Tight Didn’t Bring Peace.
My story led me to a place where control and peace were linked together. I wanted peace. I imagined that meant less stress and emotional strain. The path there was through more control. By controlling my emotions, containing and suppressing them, I’d feel less pain. By controlling the world around me, I’d keep bad things from happening.
The more things went the way I wanted, the more peaceful I felt. But when things didn’t go my way? Stress and pain sky-rocketted.
I’ve been learning these past few years that this script from my childhood doesn’t work. I can’t create peace (inner or otherwise) through micro-management. In fact, the opposite was true. The more I tried to control things, the more struggle and strain I introduced into my world. My emotions leaked out. I had unattended sharp edges that hurt the people around me. Working through all of this has been the project of the last two years.
The more I’m learning about “letting go, and letting God,” the more I’m seeing things differently, even long-held spiritual things, like “being born again.”